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Sexual Bloopers: Part One
 We have all done something embarrassing in our lives, some of us more often than others. But when you have an embarrassing moment in the bedroom, the shame can last a lifetime. This article deals with the rather touchy subject of sexual bloopers. There are a lot of them that can happen, from the inappropriate fart to biting a little too hard. And let’s not forget everybody’s favorite – what do you mean that’s the wrong hole? No matter what the blooper, somebody out there has done it. So read on and learn about some of the most common ones, how you might avoid them, and what to do if they happen.
Flatulence
This can happen to both men and women, and it is very embarrassing for both. When men are about to climax, the muscles tend to relax. This relaxation combined with some pent up gas, could cause you to let loose right while your significant other is giving you head. She won’t be amused, and it could kill the moment.
What To Do?
First, don’t try and laugh it off or blame the dog. You are both adults, so apologize, spray some air freshener, and get back to business. You can even move to the couch if need be. And don’t feel bad. Everybody passes wind. Think of it as burping after a delicious meal – in some countries, that is the highest compliment you can offer to the chef!
Vaginal Flatulence
This is something is very natural for a woman, and should not be something that either one of you gets grossed out about. A fart from her vagina (sometimes called a queef) is not the same as one from her hind end. The air that is coming out is usually there from the sex you just had, or the sex you are currently having. Think of it as burping when you drink water to fast.
What To Do?
Make sure you tell her its fine because some women freak out when this happens. The last thing you want is for her to feel self conscious, since that will lead to no one having sex. Once she sees how grown-up and understanding you are, she will get right back into the groove.
Blowing Instead Of Sucking
Ever get one of those blowjobs that were really blowjobs? Some women may not be too familiar with how the penis operates, and may accidentally blow into the penis. This can cause you mild to severe pain, as the penis was not meant to be pumped up like a balloon.
What To Do?
The best thing you can do is to try and talk to your lady friend about the fine art of sex, and how to go about it properly. If you start screaming that your pee-pee hurts and run around the room crying, that bad blowjob will be the last one you ever get from her.
Oops! I Thought That Was Your Vagina!
Ah, the classic wrong hole excuse. Let’s face it – you do want to have anal sex with her! So if it accidentally ‘slides’ into her ass, I’m sure you won’t be too upset. She, on the other hand, will be upset. Why? Because it probably hurts like hell, especially since she wasn’t expecting you to free Willy in her rectum.
What To Do?
You have two choices. First, you ignore her screams of pain and finish up. She will probably never speak to you again, but then you can cross that fantasy off of your list. Second, you can stop, apologize, and promise never to do it again. This approach might even allow for the topic of anal sex to come up, and how less painful it would be if you both planned for it properly.
Premature Ejaculation
For those of you who have perfected the 3-second orgasm, this one may not be all that much of a surprise. But there are guys out there who have shot their load in weird places, like their pants, the hallway leading into the bedroom, rugs, etc. Normally, this is due to a lack of sex, the great sex that is about to happen, nerves, or the fact that she just took her clothes off and she is WAY better looking than you realized.
What To Do?
 Don’t be embarrassed. You still have lips, fingers, hands, and a tongue that will all be put to good use while you wait for round two. If it keeps happening, then you need to work on your timing. She can help you with this, and it will be fun for both of you.
No Ejaculation
Women are lucky, in that they can always fake when they need too. Men, however, are more obvious when they can’t come. This is usually not a problem for most guys, but it can be embarrassing and make your partner feel bad.
What To Do?
Make her feel okay, and then try and figure out what happened. If this is not an uncommon experience, then it might be related to fatigue or alcohol. If it happens a lot, then go talk to a doctor.
Bending Your Penis Until It Nearly Snaps – Ouch!
This painful little thing can happen when your penis slips out during intercourse and it gets bent in half when your partner thrusts down on top of it. The penis can bend, but it can also get damaged – severely. The damage will affect your ability to get an erection, and can leave you with ridges under the skin. And let’s not forget the psychological terror of a reoccurrence!
What To Do?
Get to a hospital if it’s serious. This is like a severe cartilage or ligament tear, and the sooner you get help the better. If you weren’t fully erect, then you might be okay. But why take a chance? You only have one of those things!
 Passing Out During Sex
Ah yes, the worst thing to do at the worst possible time. What can make it really bad is you happen to pin her there for a few hours while she struggles to extricate herself. Too much booze usually causes this, so you might want to take it easy if you know you are going to get some.
What To Do?
All you can do is apologize the next day and pray she still wants to have sex with you. Start convincing her she is damn sexy, and blame everything on your stupidity and the alcohol. And yes, be prepared to make love to her right then and there – even if you are hung-over. And don’t make things worse by puking on her because that is a tough one for any chick to get over.
Next time…
Can’t find my erection, calling out the wrong name during and after sex, making stupid remarks about size or aroma, and much, much more.
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